Jacqui White, CPCC Mindful~Life Coaching

Inner Gremlin aka Critical Voice

When you want to do something that is new or really challenging and you come face to face with your inner gremlin, it can become pretty scary. The inner gremlin can slow you down or even stop you cold.

The inner gremlin whispers strong words of doubt and can convince you that it’s right, that maybe you should rethink this whole thing… and maybe just forget about even trying. The inner gremlin knows ALL the buttons to push to make you feel unsure of yourself. The inner gremlin knows All the scary stories you tell yourself.

So what’s up with this inner gremlin?

Where did it come from?

Why is it always trying to make things so hard for you and messing with your life?

What can you do about it?

First of all, the inner gremlin is a part of your own mind. It is a way of thinking that goes way back to our old days of living in caves and doing our best to not get eaten by wild animals. It was a very dangerous time in our human history. It wasn’t easy to survive. In those early days that was our main job–to survive and create the next generation of human people.

The inner gremlin part of our mind developed to always be on the lookout for dangers that would end our lives. Survival was the number one priority.

Let’s look at an example: We’re all sitting around in the cave one night and a couple of our friends say, “Hey, it’s a nice night, let’s go out and take a walk and look at the stars.” A few agree it sounds like a cool idea, and take off. You and a couple of others remember that last week some friends went out of the cave at night to walk and look at the beautiful stars…and never came back. (None of their brave, but reckless genes made it into the next generation).

Your inner gremlin whispers to you, “That isn’t a good idea, what if you get killed? What if you don’t come back? What if you get eaten? What if the guys from across the river that don’t like us come and catch you, what if you can’t outrun them, they’re pretty fast??”

So, you can see the inner gremlin was our friend at one time, it was there to protect us from taking dangerous risks that might end our lives. It grew along with us over the years, as we humans continued to live in dangerous times. The gremlin grew into the general “negativity bias,” critical voice that we live with today.

Negativity bias is a feeling that anything that is new, different, difficult, or in front of an audience, is too risky and dangerous to do. It’s kind of baked into our DNA now. You can recognize it when you hear questions that start with, “What if”.

The gremlins no longer have the need to protect us from roaming wild animals, but we sometimes feel that learning or trying new and challenging activities are risky. What if we fail? What if we embarrass ourselves? What if people laugh at us, or don’t like us? Our inner gremlin interprets that as life threatening and jumps to the job it was born to do, scare you out of taking that dangerous step.

The last question is what can we do about it?

The honest answer is, we can’t get rid of it, but we can trick it into working with us instead of against us by making friends with it.

Just being aware of how the gremlin operates and why, can make us feel a little better. We know what it’s up to, it’s only trying to keep us safe and alive.

Here is an exercise you can use to help tame your inner gremlin and get it to be a friend that’s a little less scary.

Sit comfortably with your eyes closed, relax the muscles around your eyes, relax your jaw, and relax your shoulders.
Feel the sensation of your body sitting, feel the pressure on your butt from the chair or floor.
Notice that you are breathing and notice how it feels as your breath goes in and out. Pay attention to that feeling for a few breaths, in and out.
Now notice if you can, the sensation that arises when you hear the inner gremlin’s scary story. Imagine what color it is, how big it is. What shape it is. Where you feel it in your body. Just get used to feeling it and seeing that it is just a sensation, like the pressure of the seat on your butt and back, or the sounds that you hear with your ears, or the temperature in the room on your skin.
Now focus back on your breath. Count 10 slow breaths in and out. Relaxing into each one.
Now tell your inner gremlin that you appreciate it’s thoughtfulness in trying to keep you safe and alive, and that it really is such a great friend, but this time you don’t need it’s help. You’ve got this!

Practice this regularly, not just when you’re getting ready to go out on the ice, or up to bat, or to give a presentation in front of an audience. When you practice regularly you will create a new mindset that will keep a leash on your inner gremlin.

With this mindset, you can ask your friendly gremlin, “Hey gremlin, what do you think?” and then YOU decide whether you want to listen or do your own thing and go for it!!

Fear of…

It’s the holiday weekend, Labor Day, to be exact, the last holiday of the summer and I have no plans to go anywhere or do anything. I’m hanging out with my husband and our Australian Shepherd dog.

That’s it.

I started off the morning feeling pretty good about the day. I figured yeah, an extra weekend day to relax and do basically nothing but rest and maybe read and watch a little Ozarks on Netflix. Sounds good right? But after I had my mandatory 2 cups of

party

coffee I felt like I should get dressed and try to be more productive. I went out and power washed the deck. It had grown green over the summer, or maybe the winter. I don’t know for sure when the green and then additional orange growth appeared. I do know that when it’s wet you can slip and slide yourself all the way off the deck on your butt if you step out of the door too quickly. So the green slime had to go, (even though I think it looks kind of pretty).

So OK, I’m really focused on my task of power washing when I hear the distinct sound of a high school band, mainly the drums, in the distance.

A parade.

And that’s when it hit me. I’m here washing slime off of my deck and there are people a few streets away enjoying the sights and sounds and obvious fun of a parade.

You know that feeling, right?

People are doing something with other people and it doesn’t include you.

People are doing something fun, like a parade, a party, a dinner, an outing to the zoo, game night at someone’s house, ( I saw that one in a movie) without you.

Well, the feeling of restlessness, and being left out of the holiday festivities took over my whole being.

There is a well known name for this feeling in the 21st century. I’m sure you’ve heard it: FOMO, the fear of missing out. That’s what I had.

Anybody that knows me even kind of well, knows that I’m really into mindfulness and meditation and they would be saying, “Hey Jacqui, what’s up with that FOMO, you’re supposed to ‘live in the now,’ and all that?”

Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, they’re right, I know that, but sometimes you just can’t help comparing what you’re doing to ALL the fun of what EVERYBODY else is doing and you get that feeling of wanting to be included in the fun. Is that so wrong?

Well, no. It isn’t wrong, but I didn’t like how I felt.

So, what did I do? Did I grab my husband off the coach where he was happily reading a new Kindle book, and tell him, get dressed, we’re going to a parade, or an Art in the Park, or anything else I can think of, just to get off the deck with the green stuff growing on it, just to do something that included me in what other people were doing?

I didn’t.

I stopped and gave myself a moment to consider what I really wanted and didn’t want, what I feel grateful for and why. And most importantly, what this day really means to my husband and me.

Like a lot of people, we work pretty hard, with long hours during the week. We also see our kids for dinners really regularly, (and when you have 5 kids, that’s pretty often). We also do fun stuff with friends, occasionally.

I realized that Labor Day doesn’t mean “Go to Parade Day”, or “Party with Friends Day”, it means, “Take it Easy from all the Other Stuff Your Doing the Rest of the Year, and Rest Day”.

So, just like I tell my coaching clients, “Hit the Pause Button”, I hit my pause button, and thought about where I was and whether I was cool with it.

I was.

I then considered what I had, if anything, to be grateful for, and I realized that yes, I sure do.

I had this amazing opportunity to do what I loved most as a small child during extremely hot Texas summers, to play outside with the water hose.

I could also spend time with the guy I love, who loves me too, talking, reading, discussing our favorite topic, politics.

…and I could sit outside on my newly washed deck at the table under the umbrella with my laptop and write about my lovely, very okay holiday. 😉

(I’m going to make an awesome scallops in garlic butter sauce for dinner for the 2 of us tonight, don’t be jealous.)

My Best Self

Rio soaking up the sun and feeling the soft breeze on his face

I think as I walk.

Looking down at my dog Rio, walking along on the grass by my side, I realize, this is how I want to be. As we walk, I’m thinking about a million things, a list of things to do when I get back, how long till we reach the 3-mile mark so I can turn the corner for home, habitually checking my phone. Rio is happily sniffing grass, stopping often to check under leaves or stare down a squirrel hanging onto the side of a tree. He then runs excitedly ahead.

I want what he has.

I want to luxuriate in the warmth of the sun; smell the smells he is catching in his wet nose. I want to hear the faint sound of the chipmunks scurrying in the crispy leaves. I want to focus on what I can experience as I walk, and let go of my busy mind.

I learn something every day from watching how Rio thinks or doesn’t think. I see him daily demonstrate what it means to be, “your best self”. Being his, “best self” is effortless for him because he’s a dog and dogs live in this moment and nowhere else. This moment is the best moment for him. I’m watching and I’m learning.

I made a few notes to share.

Rio doesn’t think about trying, he just does, or if he doesn’t, he moves on without looking back.
When I throw the Frisbee, he does his very best every single time, no matter how tired he is or how many times he’s missed it. He doesn’t set goals. He just accepts the challenge each and every time and gives it everything he has. As a result, he has become a much better Frisbee catcher.
He’s stoic. When he runs on rocks and his feet get blistered, he doesn’t complain or cry. He just licks his paws when we get home. It’s then that I notice how sore his paws are. He would have kept going if I asked it of him.
He doesn’t question new experiences with fear, anxiety or expectation. He stays flexible and accepts what comes without question or a desire to change it. If it’s pouring rain, extremely hot, unbearably cold and windy, he will venture forth without a second thought. It just is what it is for him.
He loves unconditionally. If I forgot to feed him, give him water, take him for a walk, he would wag his tailless butt and jump all over me with love. If I yelled at him, he wouldn’t hold a grudge, he would love me without questioning what was wrong with me or hold it against me. He would let it go.
He doesn’t feel the need to show off how beautiful he is or how many dog toys, bones, or fancy collars and leashes he has. He lives a simple life, happy with what he has and he has no ego that needs to be bolstered with material wealth, or flattery to bolster his confidence and self-esteem. He’s satisfied with who he is and how he looks.

My dog is my best friend and more. He’s my role model and inspiration. He shows me without trying to teach and without even a hint of judgement, how to be my best self.

A Suitcase Full of Shadows

Every fear I ever packed away in my “fear suitcase” is unpacked and springs out at me. Every critical voice has a turn, some whispering, some crying out, you know the ones, the “Who do you think you are, anyway?” The “You aren’t smart enough, good enough, talented enough, you should quit now and cut your losses.” And the most painful of all, “…and so you’re just going to go out there and humiliate yourself and show everybody how bad you are? They’ll laugh at you and you will end up embarrassed to tears.” voices. They pretend to be my friend and protector, but they make me feel small and helpless against their “common sense” advise to play it safe so I don’t get hurt.

To come out of that safe place, that comfort zone, is a calling to be courageous for something I see in the distance that I want for myself. I want to take a step to make a change in my life. I take the first step, I make a decision to become a life coach. The fear suitcase stays packed until I start my course and have to put myself out there for my fellow coaching students to see who I am.

The shadowy figures come out and take form, Killjoy is the ringleader. “You don’t have the instinct or insight to be a good coach.” “You talk too much and never listen.” “You look terrible today, everyone else looks way more professional than you.”

I listen to the voices, the way I have all my life. I doubt myself and my ability to see the course through to the end. But I do see it through. I don’t give up and I don’t believe in myself either.

My next level of training is Certification and it is so far out of my comfort zone it might be compared to living on another planet. Certification is a very rigorous training that is 6 months of study, coaching, and critiques by the coaching teachers.

Needless to say, I reach new heights with my Saboteur voices. The more I want to succeed, the more I want this for myself, the more I’m willing to put my heart out there to achieve it, the more the Saboteurs play their roles to create panic and fear.

A fear is created that is successful in sabotaging my work as a coach. I can’t focus, I can’t listen to what is being said. I can’t be in this moment, I’m in the past, where the fear is born. All I can hear are my own inner critics.

I work with my own life coach and we look at what I want, and why I want it. I want to share what I’ve learned through years of experience. I want to contribute. I want to be a coach that walks with my clients into the light of what is possible. First, I have to walk out of my own shadows. I have to find my own light of what is possible.

My coach knows what questions to ask me. I begin to see where the power the Saboteurs have is coming from. It’s coming from me and my willingness to live in the past, with past hurts in a story I create.

With the 6 hour closed book written exam and 2 hour oral exam looming before me, it isn’t enough to know the power source of the Saboteurs is my own doing. I need to know how to get rid of them. Newsflash: I can’t get rid of them, but I can be free of them.

With my coach, I create a new story, one that is about living in this precious moment in my life. A moment in this precious now doesn’t have fear anywhere in it, there is no room for fear to exist in the now. Being here in this moment, I create my story for my future. I hear the mantra: “If not now, then when?”

I take my tests, living each moment as it comes, feeling in my heart a warm current of peace and courage.

A few days later, I receive an e-mail that says I have passed my tests. I walk out of my own shadows into the light of what is possible.

My Saboteurs are safely packed away for now.