I think as I walk.

Looking down at my dog Rio, walking along on the grass by my side, I realize, this is how I want to be. As we walk, I’m thinking about a million things, a list of things to do when I get back, how long till we reach the 3-mile mark so I can turn the corner for home, habitually checking my phone. Rio is happily sniffing grass, stopping often to check under leaves or stare down a squirrel hanging onto the side of a tree.  He then runs excitedly ahead.

I want what he has.

I want to luxuriate in the warmth of the sun; smell the smells he is catching in his wet nose. I want to hear the faint sound of the chipmunks scurrying in the crispy leaves. I want to focus on what I can experience as I walk, and let go of my busy mind.

I learn something every day from watching how Rio thinks or doesn’t think. I see him daily demonstrate what it means to be, “your best self”. Being his, “best self” is effortless for him because he’s a dog and dogs live in this moment and nowhere else. This moment is the best moment for him. I’m watching and I’m learning.

I made a few notes to share.

1. Rio doesn’t think about trying, he just does, or if he doesn’t, he moves on without looking back.
2. When I throw the Frisbee, he does his very best every single time, no matter how tired he is or how many times he’s missed it. He doesn’t set goals. He just accepts the challenge each and every time and gives it everything he has. As a result, he has become a much better Frisbee catcher.
3. He’s stoic. When he runs on rocks and his feet get blistered, he doesn’t complain or cry. He just licks his paws when we get home. It’s then that I notice how sore his paws are. He would have kept going if I asked it of him.
4. He doesn’t question new experiences with fear, anxiety or expectation. He stays flexible and accepts what comes without question or a desire to change it. If it’s pouring rain, extremely hot, unbearably cold and windy, he will venture forth without a second thought. It just is what it is for him.
5. He loves unconditionally. If I forgot to feed him, give him water, take him for a walk, he would wag his tailless butt and jump all over me with love. If I yelled at him, he wouldn’t hold a grudge, he would love me without questioning what was wrong with me or hold it against me. He would let it go.
6. He doesn’t feel the need to show off how beautiful he is or how many dog toys, bones, or fancy collars and leashes he has. He lives a simple life, happy with what he has and he has no ego that needs to be bolstered with material wealth, or flattery to bolster his confidence and self-esteem. He’s satisfied with who he is and how he looks.

My dog is my best friend and more. He’s my role model and inspiration. He shows me without trying to teach and without even a hint of judgement, how to be my best self.

 

 

Every fear I ever packed away in my “fear suitcase” is unpacked and springs out at me. Every critical voice has a turn, some whispering, some crying out, you know the ones, the “Who do you think you are, anyway?”  The “You aren’t smart enough, good enough, talented enough, you should quit now and cut your losses.”  And the most painful of all, “…and so you’re just going to go out there and humiliate yourself and show everybody how bad you are? They’ll laugh at you and you will end up embarrassed to tears.” voices.  They pretend to be my friend and protector, but they make me feel small and helpless against their “common sense” advise to play it safe so I don’t get hurt.

To come out of that safe place, that comfort zone, is a calling to be courageous for something I see in the distance that I want for myself. I want to take a step to make a change in my life.  I take the first step, I make a decision to become a life coach. The fear suitcase stays packed until I start my course and have to put myself out there for my fellow coaching students to see who I am.

The shadowy figures come out and take form, Killjoy is the ringleader. “You don’t have the instinct or insight to be a good coach.” “You talk too much and never listen.” “You look terrible today, everyone else looks way more professional than you.”

I listen to the voices, the way I have all my life. I doubt myself and my ability to see the course through to the end. But I do see it through. I don’t give up and I don’t believe in myself either.

My next level of training is Certification and it is so far out of my comfort zone it might be compared to living on another planet. Certification is a very rigorous training that is 6 months of study, coaching, and critiques by the coaching teachers.

Needless to say, I reach new heights with my Saboteur voices. The more I want to succeed, the more I want this for myself, the more I’m willing to put my heart out there to achieve it, the more the Saboteurs play their roles to create panic and fear.

A fear is created that is successful in sabotaging my work as a coach. I can’t focus, I can’t listen to what is being said. I can’t be in this moment, I’m in the past, where the fear is born. All I can hear are my own inner critics.

I work with my own life coach and we look at what I want, and why I want it. I want to share what I’ve learned through years of experience. I want to contribute. I want to be a coach that walks with my clients into the light of what is possible. First, I have to walk out of my own shadows. I have to find my own light of what is possible.

My coach knows what questions to ask me. I begin to see where the power the Saboteurs have is coming from. It’s coming from me and my willingness to live in the past, with past hurts in a story I create.

With the 6 hour closed book written exam and 2 hour oral exam looming before me, it isn’t enough to know the power source of the Saboteurs is my own doing. I need to know how to get rid of them. Newsflash: I can’t get rid of them, but I can be free of them.

With my coach, I create a new story, one that is about living in this precious moment in my life. A moment in this precious now doesn’t have fear anywhere in it, there is no room for fear to exist in the now. Being here in this moment, I create my story for my future. I hear the mantra: “If not now, then when?”

I take my tests, living each moment as it comes, feeling in my heart a warm current of peace and courage.

A few days later, I receive an e-mail that says I have passed my tests. I walk out of my own shadows into the light of what is possible.

My Saboteurs are safely packed away for now.